I’m at an impasse.

My boss has quit. Upper management decided last week to post a job listing to replace her (supposedly confidentially) that had all applicants resumes delivered to the broadly accessible ‘careers’ inbox. Bad move. She found out. You know, because she was in the middle of trying to fill some open positions in our department. Long story short, fuck Managment.

I would expect behavior like this from a giant corporation. But I work at a small ~30 person not-for-profit. I expect better than closed door meetings, talking behind people’s back and generally shit-head attitudes.

I should probably speak to my attitude about my employer before all of this went down late last week. I love my job. I feel that not only are my skill required for the success of the organization, but I also generally feel respected. My opinions are sought when needed, and regularly acted upon. My concerns taken seriously (even in conversations about dealing with my boss’ departure). So even though we are in the middle of an extremely stressful and busy run-up to launch, I’m generally very satisfied with work.

But now I feel as if the wool has been pulled from my eyes. I feel as though I have been watching an extraordinarily elaborate stage show. So convincing that I have confused it for reality. Who the fuck do I work for?

So, my impasse. I think the song lyrics put it best.

Should I stay or should I go now?
If I stay there will be trouble.
If I go there will be double.

If I stay. If I stay things get crazy. While my boss’ work load will be distributed amongst a few of us, I feel a lot of what she did was to provide expertise and direction and that will ALL fall on me. While I’m confident in my abilities, confident that I know what I’m doing and can give informed and educated opinions on issues that will arise in our work throughout and beyond launch, I’m 100% positive they don’t pay me enough to provide them. I’m 95% positive that the rapport that I have developed with them will be scrutinized, questioned and ultimately dismissed due to the ignorance and big headedness of upper management.

If I go. I have a lease that I am loath to break. I’m also not completely sure I want to stick around Philly. If I go, I have to find a new job. The question is where, and at this point in my life, the world is my oyster. I can literally pick up and go almost anywhere I can find a job. So the options are, find a job in Philly. Most likely a for-profit, so that I can save money and high tail it out of here when my lease is up or shortly thereafter. Or I could suck it up, break my lease and leave now. My brother wants me to move to San Fransisco, near him. My sister wants me near her in Massachusetts. My father is in the process of selling my childhood home and moving to Florida, where I have little interest in being. But my heart says screw all of them and that i should go where I feel drawn. Tuscan, Denver, Portland, (of all places) Austin. But is going now even feasible? I just sold my car. My credit is on the rocks. I have no savings outside of a couple of 401(k)’s. I could borrow, but that’s ugly.

So yeah, I’m at an impasse. Should I stay or should I go?

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