This was going to be a Facebook post…
I fell apart this morning.
Crocodile tears and all.
All over an idea. And idea I thought I understood.
But I’ve reached my breaking point.
I can’t do me anymore.
I can’t continue to tell myself that everything is okay.
That everything will turn out for the best.
That hard work nets that which we want.
It’s total bull shit.
You can work towards what you want, day in and day out.
Make every sacrifice
Bend over backwards for days on end,
But it makes no difference.
Nothing is up to me.
The fate of every moment is dependent on other people.
Dependent on the whims of those around me.
They might not know it.
Or maybe they do.
But it makes no matter.
I told a friend recently that they should ‘just do you’
Why can’t I follow my own advice.
Why am I do good at seeing the path forward for others,
While so absolutely abysmal at even knowing what path I’m on?
Let alone where it leads.
I wear my heart on my sleeve.
Always have.
Unfortunately, I’m realizing, always will.
It does nothing good for me.
It’s always about someone else.
Even when they don’t want my help.
Even when they use me.
Abuse me.
I’m over it.
I want to take my own feelings,
my life,
back.
I’m taking my life back.
Fuck you John.
Fuck you and your “your in my heart”
Fuck you and your “it’s not you, I’m just uninterested in sex” (while having threesomes left and right)
Fuck you and your “again, please”
Fuck you and your self destructive, narsassistic, tornado of a life.
I’m done. I can’t be there for you anymore.
I can’t be your crutch.
I won’t be your rock.
Not when you give me nothing in return.
Not when you won’t give me the time of day.
Not when it send me I to these fits of depression.
Not when I can’t get through a day with out thinking about how much I just want you to be honest with me.
Not when you lie to face about lying to me.
Not when you occupy my every waking thought.
I’m not yours.
Stop hording my life.
Stop it. Stop it. Stop it.
But it’s okay.
I forgive you.
I know it’s just who you are.
I know you can’t help yourself.
It’s Inpulsive and you have never learned to deal with you emotions.
I know that when you can’t deal you shut down.
I know that when your sad, you bottle it up,
Or call me to cry on my shoulder.
But when I need you, where are you?
Talking to some piece of the ass, while I wait at the end of the bar.
I take the power back.
I don’t know why I gave it to you in the first place.
Yes I do. Your charming.
You know how to get what you want.
Better than I. And that’s rare.
You win John.
I’m out. I’m done. I’m spent. I’m drained. I need to recharge. I need to wake up from the waking dream you have kept me in for so long.
I need to think about me.
I need to care about me.
I need to BE me.
And I can’t do that with you around.