Thoughts on muyeosu
I haven’t been honest with myself for a very long time. I’ve lost sight of myself. And it’s affected who I am, the decisions I’ve made, and informed the person I’ve become. I’m not okay with this.
Dustyn, I love you. I’ve loved you since the day we met. But you’ll never feel the same about me. I have held out hope for years, I’ve cried an ungodly number of tears trying to cope with my feelings. I’ve taken steps back to try and reorient myself. And you’ve stuck with me, more than anyone in my life. But no matter how I try, you rebuff me. You moved here and I promised myself that I would leave you be that first weekend. I sat on your porch with you until it was way too late 3 out your first 5 nights. And you came over to fuck one of the other two. I love that. I can cry in front of you. I feel open and free to be my slutty self. Just myself, really. You never judge me. You listen to me. You’re always present when we’re together. And that’s the problem. It feels like I’m 100% out of sight, out of mind. The few times I’ve felt like you’ve really thought about me are my favorite memories. When you stopped by real quick on a weeknight to drop off girl scout cookies. When you randomly brought me that paper SLS rocket kit. My soul needs to feel secure in my relationships. Romantic, friends, somewhere in between, doesn’t matter.
I have noticed over this past year that my ‘friends’ haven’t really been friends to me. They have watched me kind of fall apart over the past year, and instead of getting in my face and being real, they have pulled away. Making me feel even more isolated.
One of my favorite people in the world. I knew very briefly, maybe 2 years, before she moved cross-country. We talk on average once a year at this point. But she had the compassion to tell me how it is beyond “fuck him”, she had the balls to tell me that I just might be the one who is in the wrong. I might be holding on to tightly. That I might not be realizing that I’m never okay with the way things are, even when I like it.
I write that, and now it feels like maybe I’m just taking all the blame because I hold you in such high regard. Am I blind to your role in this? I’m always saying that you’re good to me. That you always remind me what you want and what you don’t. I’m NEVER in the dark about how you feel in the moment.
That last sentence is giving me a lot of pause. It’s eminently true. So I guess that kind of gives me my answer. I have to work on my attachment style. I have to work on my self-esteem. I don’t know what that means for us in the long run. I fantasize if I were to get to a good place, that maybe you look at me different. But that can’t be reasoning. I’m afraid that means I might have to completely say goodbye to you, the way I’ll have to say goodbye to cigarettes. If I ever do quit. I can never have another one.
12 hours we’re going to get in the car together and literally spend every moment for the entire weekend together. I am shaking in my boots about making a fool of myself. I bought really low ABV beer. I conveniently forgot to go get whiskey. But I think I’m going to make a stop tomorrow to grab some because, I really like a whiskey sipper around fireplace. But I digress. I tend to be just fine when it’s just you and I, it helps with the insecurities.
I’m not ready for what I want with you.
I need to center myself on myself.